Flame For My Pyre...

...To burn away my "created-self" by fire.

For a long time I thought that I needed to be someone or something else. Now, after many heartbreaking experiences, I have firmly decided to just be me. Yes...I know many people set out on the noble trek to find oneself, and most succumb to failure during this experience, but I think I will succeed.

1. Step One: Cleanse My Created-Self From Myself. Sounds simple, right? Wrong! I have this "image" that I created many years ago to protect myself and feel now is the time to let it go. Those that have the privilege to work with me see this image everyday. He is narcissistic, egotistical, loud, obnoxious, annoying, and cheesy. For those that enjoy that "side" of me, I hate to break it to you, but that person needs to die. Dead, as never to be born again, because I am so very tired of keeping that person alive. It is a beast that takes too much of my energy, and frankly, makes me come off as a jerk. I can not tell you how many people, that meet that person, think I am one of the biggest jerks in existence.
2. Step Two: Surround Myself With A Positive Support Structure. I all ready have many friends and associates that would love to help with this, if only I would let them in. This step also incorporates my environment, let it be work or home life, I need to fully comment to it.
3. Step Three: Breath And Live Free. This one is going to be EXTREMELY hard... I have been conditioned for so long to wager my merit against other's perceptions, and change my values, ideas, dreams to suit their's. I am to live for me! When the time comes, and I know it will, that things get "rough", I just need to take a dreep breath and realize I am better and above that. In the end, I realize all this is going to be driven by my desire for change, God's strength, and patience.

To Be Continued...

(Meaning as, I am sure, future blogs will update and incorporate this path currently being taken.)

“Faith is not simply a patience that passively suffers until the storm is past. Rather, it is a spirit that bears things - with resignations, yes, but above all, with blazing, serene hope.” Corazon Aquino

Breaking The Cycle...

"...It happened again today. I was beat for no reason. My mom tackled me, pinned my arms down with her knees, then began to strike me in my face and chest. Why? What did I ever do to her? Why has God cursed me to be in a life like this? But it never stopped there. Too many times my mom, step-dad(s), and siblings hurt me. I was pummeled by hits, had been cut, and even bruised to the point where my body was bloody and numb.

Sadly, after all this time, my heart still hurts the worst. I loved them and they never saw it. Blindly they would strike out against me. I would find myself laying in a heap, in the floor, my spirit broken, my soul defeated, wishing I would die so it would never happen again.

Please, why can't you hear my cries?

Please, why can't you see my tears?

Please, why can't you love me as much as I love you?"

This is a true story. It is my story. Those are my words and forever are the images burned into my mind of the abuse my family and I suffered for nearly sixteen years.

The reason I decided to write about this in my blog is because I haven't been able to sleep, eat, or function correctly for the last three weeks. Every night when I go to bed I am tormented by nightmares, in which, I relive years of abuse. Some nights are even worse, not only do I relive them, but then I find myself fighting back. That scares me the most, as I used to be violent. Still today I have some tendencies to be "overly physical" showing affection, acceptance, and caringness. I wish I could write that I never completed the cycle, that I never abused someone...that I was better than that. But that would be a lie. I was horrible. I failed. I went to a dark, deep place filled with hatred, anger, and spite. I hated God, the world, everyone, especially people that were happy. That made me sick! Why couldn't I be happy? Why couldn't I have a "normal" life like others? In retrospect, and in reading previous blogs, I wouldn't have as much acceptance for the world, and love in others, if I hadn't endured my pain. Life is a two way street, filled with balance. Like "The Force", there is both a light and dark side and they must coexist. So if that was the dark side, then I must now be living in the light.

I think I am going to write a letter to my mother and hopefully it will do more than just close this blog...it will help heal the wounds festering within...

Dear Mom,

I am sorry life didn't work out how you had planned. I am sorry that in your childhood you hurt as much as I did. Even though we rarely speak, know that I love you. Maybe one day my wounds and your guilt will be overcome and we can have some kind of "normal" relationship. Just know that no matter what, my daughter, will never have to live like that. She will never know the fear of the next attack. Or the pain of being broken and defeated. I promise on my life, she will never know the resounding pain of child abuse. She is loved by so many and knowing she is happy makes my weight easier to carry. For so long I have been crushed by that weight and have encountered every kind of abuse in my trek throughout life, but it never has defined me, only my love has. My eternal and internal strength carry me above and beyond all the hate and violence. In the end, I know I will be all right. I hope you can find that same peace.

Love,

Your Son.

Want to be serious about breaking the cycle? Check out some of these tools online.

http://www.breakthecycle.org/index.html

http://www.thesafespace.org/

http://helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_help_treatment_prevention.htm

http://www.rainn.org/

If you know anymore sites/resources feel free to leave them in the comment box.

Clemson VS. South Carolina

That's right sports fans...

College football season is just around the corner...

You know what that means? One of the most heated rivalries will come to fruition.

Clemson Tigers and Carolina Gamecocks rivalry dates back almost one hundred and thirty years. For both schools though, emotions run deep, and encompasses more than just football. It has caused conflict, death, and a multitude of problems.

Sounds like something else I know...

Religion.

I won't go into details on who, how, what, when, where and why. I will just say this...

• Why pick sides?
• Why condemn those that aren't like you?
• Where is the love?

† Picking sides, like we do with our favorite teams, does more harm than good. If your neighbor loves his family, his job, his world, and it is filled with rainbows and puppies... Then who are you to pop his bubble? Stop taking up arms against them, if you "fear for their mortal soul", then lead by example, not by force. The more you force an issue, the more likely they will have apathy toward it.

† Condemning others equals condemning yourself. Remember Jesus was the pinnacle of "anti-cool". He was not a Fonzie-like character that everyone gravitated toward. He "kicked it" with prostitutes, tax collectors, sick/dying, and the ragamuffins of the world. Jesus was like a good author, never truly cherished, until he had left his mortal coil.

† Love in the world is now becoming exiguous. We, "Christ-followers", should exemplify the love that Christ holds. No longer are we to turn a blind eye or a deaf ear toward others just because we don't agree with them. Celebrate with your own "Free Hug Day", or just practice random acts of kindness. Do not strive to make yourself feel better, but for once, concentrate on the happiness of others. Honestly, any love is better than no love, and just one act can change a million lives... Love yourself, love your life, and most of all love each other.

'God is...LOVE?'

Not trying to take anything away from Father's Day service, well strike that, I took something away from the service. As always, it was what God wanted me to hear...


Pastor Mark had an awesome service about how 'God is...farsighted'. While that is true, God reached out and spoke to me.


While life is about something more, Jesus, we are all blessed with one major endowment. It puts life in perspective, gives meaning to the resplendent wonders abound, gives hope, faith, trust, and joy to each and every one of us...


♥♥LOVE♥♥

To take a good example on how majority of society views love, here is an excerpt that is on Wikipedia.

"Love is any of a number of emotions and experiences related to a sense of strong affection and attachment. The word love can refer to a variety of different feelings, states, and attitudes, ranging from generic pleasure ('I loved that meal') to intense interpersonal attraction ('I love my boyfriend'). This diversity of uses and meanings, combined with the complexity of the feelings involved, makes love unusually difficult to consistently define, even compared to other emotional states. Love is an extremely powerful emotion; it is irresistible and people are often bound to pursue their love interests. Love is a major theme in many literature texts and poems, with movies often portraying 'finding true love.'"


If that is true, how is God love?

I believe God is love in a pure and simplistic form. While most blindly struggle through life never "knowing" love...it's right there with them, every step of their lives.

Remember last week when I spoke about God being there every step of the way? Where all we have to do is open our eyes, lift a finger...and BAM! There is God!

So why do we constantly get wrapped up in internal strife trying to find "the love" that we see in all the movies?

The question is the answer...it is in the movies...it's fictional...it's a dramatization. That love doesn't exist between two people. Oh sure, there are some truly blessed with the best possible partner/spouse/loved one that completes them in the worldly sense, but what about in the eternal sense?

That's where God comes in. You need to realize with all your relationships in this world, nothing can surpass, replace, take away, add to the glorious love God has for us.

Don't believe me? Look it up...

Wait! I just did that for you...[!] Astounding! Close to SEVEN HUNDRED times love is mentioned in the bible. Starting with Genesis and ending with Revelations. Coincident? I think not.

So, who are we to rebuke God? The answer: I think, in the end, we don't want to accept the easy way out. Because no matter what hells we endure in this life, nor what hells we create for ourselves or others, God still loves us.

Forever. As it has been and always will be. Amen.

Usually, I end with some quote on self-reflection, yet this week won't be any different. I would encourage to all my readers though, to go to your local bookstore, get 'Ragamuffin Gospel' by Brennan Manning. It will change your life, this I promise.

"My deepest awareness of myself is that I am deeply loved by Jesus Christ and I have done nothing to earn it or deserve it."
— Brennan Manning (The Ragamuffin Gospel)

"God Is...Distant?!?!"

(beavis by Tom Stone)

Many people might think God is distant sometimes, but put yourself in this man's shoes...

• Is God with him as he picks his scabs to find a good spot for his morning fix?
• Is God with him as he looses his home, money, food, and sanity?
• Where is God when this man needs him the most?

The answer is the easiest to say, but the hardest to understand...

God is right there beside him every step...

Do you realize that over EIGHTY percent of heroin users "shoot-up" or "mainline" with a partner...

But EIGHTY percent of those that have overdosed are found alone.

Is must be frightening to think, that while this addict is "cooking" his daily fix, God is right there with him. I mean truly, standing next to him, watching the fallen push for a rush. And God is there every time an addict pushes harder and falls victim to their addiction, and the monster takes another as his own...

Why then, don't we wonder, if God is omnipresent, omnipotent, "omniawesomeness" does this poor unfortunate soul have to suffer?

“to the one who has chosen . . . the complete loneliness of being-only-for-oneself, God himself enters into his very loneliness as someone who is even more lonely"

Hans Ur von Balthasar

We distance ourselves from God, not the other way around. We cover our eyes and make God invisible... but for us to believe the impossible, we must first see the invisible.

If we take reference from The Creation of Adam, by Michelangelo. Then we can see that all we have to do is lift a finger to be able to touch God...

"Going Boldly Where No Man Has Gone Before..."

(Eye of God? Captured by Hubble Telescope)

We, at church, just embarked on an awesome trek...

And apparently the "Church Federation" is directing THOUSANDS of churches at this time to do the same. We all are on a trek to answer the question put before us,

"God is..."

Now here is the problem, most times when I write this blog, it is my own take on the services and how they affect me. I don't want to take away from an awesome service about how "God is...Frightening", I just feel drawn and compelled to write what God is to me...

FOR ME...

God is...A Second-Chance Father!

And so am I!

You see, after years of being blind to the obvious, I came back to my Father-in-Heaven. And graciously he held out his arms and lifted me up...

For those that can relate, this was a struggle, to say the least. Just to give you a quick glimpse of what I let kept me away from him:

Drug abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, mental abuse, being the victim, being the antagonist, true fear, lack of understanding, premature death of my father, inability to cope with my own past, present, choices, actions, and so much more...

I had been away from my Father, and my daughter had been away from me. You see, as much fear as I had for my daughter and the unknown, I also held copious amounts of love. And in the end I was rewarded.

For the last couple of weeks, I have been blessed to spend time with my daughter, a gift beyond any measure. It has brought so much peace in my life. I can not thank those involved, that helped make this a possibility, enough.


So next time you, yourself, try to answer: "God is...", please look outside the box. Answer from within, what God truly is to you.


And remember no matter the size of a blessing, in the end, you are still blessed.

"I Have The Power"

When I think about "I HAVE THE POWER!" I imagine a lonely prince, gathering the power from within, and transforming into He-Man, Master of The Universe. Rising his sword above all things and triumphing over evil...


So if you were He-Man, if you had the power to do whatever you want, what would it be?


I, myself, would choose the power to heal, restore, and help those that need it the most. I could walk-up to a cripple and tell them to take their mat and walk. I could go to the blind, spit in the mud, and rub it into their eyes, restoring their sight. I could use just my presence to calm storms, and restore sanity to those that are forever lost in a spiral of despair...

And in knowing I don't have the power that Christ held on Earth, I do have one thing going for me...


Faith.

Faith is confined to whatever you put it in...

• So if my faith is in God, it has no limits.
• Because God is the real "Master of The Universe".
• God is our glue that holds all things together.
• He always backs up his word.
• He changes everything.
• But we do have to take the initiative.

A couple thoughts to leave you with...


Your relationship with God directly reflects the relationship with yourself.

The scriptures state the word "Almighty" 56 times, and in every time it speaks of God.

It can take us our whole lives to turn one thing over to God, but if you really look at the results, why do we fail to turn everything over to him?