"...It happened again today. I was beat for no reason. My mom tackled me, pinned my arms down with her knees, then began to strike me in my face and chest. Why? What did I ever do to her? Why has God cursed me to be in a life like this? But it never stopped there. Too many times my mom, step-dad(s), and siblings hurt me. I was pummeled by hits, had been cut, and even bruised to the point where my body was bloody and numb. Sadly, after all this time, my heart still hurts the worst. I loved them and they never saw it. Blindly they would strike out against me. I would find myself laying in a heap, in the floor, my spirit broken, my soul defeated, wishing I would die so it would never happen again.
Please, why can't you hear my cries?
Please, why can't you see my tears?
Please, why can't you love me as much as I love you?"
This is a true story. It is my story. Those are my words and forever are the images burned into my mind of the abuse my family and I suffered for nearly sixteen years.
The reason I decided to write about this in my blog is because I haven't been able to sleep, eat, or function correctly for the last three weeks. Every night when I go to bed I am tormented by nightmares, in which, I relive years of abuse. Some nights are even worse, not only do I relive them, but then I find myself fighting back. That scares me the most, as I used to be violent. Still today I have some tendencies to be "overly physical" showing affection, acceptance, and caringness. I wish I could write that I never completed the cycle, that I never abused someone...that I was better than that. But that would be a lie. I was horrible. I failed. I went to a dark, deep place filled with hatred, anger, and spite. I hated God, the world, everyone, especially people that were happy. That made me sick! Why couldn't I be happy? Why couldn't I have a "normal" life like others? In retrospect, and in reading previous blogs, I wouldn't have as much acceptance for the world, and love in others, if I hadn't endured my pain. Life is a two way street, filled with balance. Like "The Force", there is both a light and dark side and they must coexist. So if that was the dark side, then I must now be living in the light.
I think I am going to write a letter to my mother and hopefully it will do more than just close this blog...it will help heal the wounds festering within...
Dear Mom,I am sorry life didn't work out how you had planned. I am sorry that in your childhood you hurt as much as I did. Even though we rarely speak, know that I love you. Maybe one day my wounds and your guilt will be overcome and we can have some kind of "normal" relationship. Just know that no matter what, my daughter, will never have to live like that. She will never know the fear of the next attack. Or the pain of being broken and defeated. I promise on my life, she will never know the resounding pain of child abuse. She is loved by so many and knowing she is happy makes my weight easier to carry. For so long I have been crushed by that weight and have encountered every kind of abuse in my trek throughout life, but it never has defined me, only my love has. My eternal and internal strength carry me above and beyond all the hate and violence. In the end, I know I will be all right. I hope you can find that same peace.Love,Your Son.
Want to be serious about breaking the cycle? Check out some of these tools online.
If you know anymore sites/resources feel free to leave them in the comment box.
I know this is a single step in a long journey, but I also believe that God will always see us through. I will be there for you too. You know where to find me.
ReplyDeleteLove ya,
J
I'm so proud of you for writing all of this out. What a testimony of God's grace you have!! Read Psalm 27. It helped me get through some really difficult time. There's a verse that basically says that even though my mother and father forsake me, He is with me. Hold on to those words. Your past does not have to dictate your future!! You are a new creation in Christ!!
ReplyDeleteOut of curiosity, what would you say to one you have hurt?
ReplyDeleteI would implore them to forgive me, as I have had to do with so many before. I ask them to try and understand that, sometimes, life can be more than what we expected. Some of us do not have the best coping mechanisms and sadly others pay the ultimate price. Just understand, in one way or another, we all hurt and we all cause hurt.
ReplyDeleteThat is so very true. I believe that I know your story better than most people. I was there to see at least some of it. The broad smile with a sense of humor as well as the tears. The overly analytical mind that searched for an answer. The hurting, lost little boy who was going through things that I couldn't comprehend or even know about until later. The road to true forgiveness is long. Some hurts are deeper than others. I know that you understand. It took a long time for me to get over what happened and to be able to move on in my life without fear. I just want you to know that I found my smile again and that I do forgive you even though it is still sometimes difficult to forget. Now at least I can see the good times again. I am glad that you have found a place where you are happy and that you have made your peace with God. That is something that I always hoped you would find, although at times I was skeptical. I still wish only the best for you, as I always have, even in our darkest moments.
ReplyDeletePuffin, thank you. Please know I have never forgotten what I did in my life, the pain and sorrow I transfered on others will stay with me. Not as a weight, as it once was, but as a tool to help me help others. Even though getting here took many steps and different paths, I am content. For you, know that you always share a special place in my heart, memories, and life. I am truly blessed that I got to share just one moment with you. And I am glad you found that smile. Merry Christmas.
ReplyDelete